Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
