I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
