He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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