she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
