i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
