My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
