You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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