he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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