A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
