my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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