if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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