is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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