it was like eating out sand paper
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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