dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
