I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
