Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
