she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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