I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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