so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
