So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
