Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
