I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
