I'm gonna have a badass scar
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you had me at cake vodka
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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