Buhtt sex?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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