The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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