I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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