Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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