Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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