I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
