I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
