I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
