So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
