Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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