Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
