So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
