the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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