Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
