Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
