if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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