I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
