I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
