I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
