what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
