I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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