Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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