did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
