The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
