Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
