beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
