shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
